[ It occurs to her belatedly that Leo might be just as nervous as her. She eyes him through her hair, frowning at his honestly awful attempt at pretending things were okay. They weren't for one, and despite the dog-on-fire meme he's been emulating it's been pretty clear from Mars he wasn't either. It honestly surprises her, the sudden urge to poke him; to make him smile like he used to but she isn't sure it'd be welcome anymore. ]
[ Leo lets her take the lead - that way, he knows she’ll be as comfortable as their… situation?? will allow her to be. And he trusts that wherever she chooses, he’ll be more comfortable there, too. They were always on the same wavelength before, after all.
The walk there, however, is spent in awkward silence, with Leo fidgeting the whole way as he tries to think of a way to start this conversation. He’s gone over it so many times in his head already, but now that they’re finally here, he can’t remember any of it. Every word, every lead in, every possible way he’d thought of that could make it sound slightly less horrible is all gone, poof, just like that.
All too soon, he realizes the sounds of the other students have faded, and Futaba’s probably waiting for him to actually say something. So, okay. He can do this. Even if she’ll probably want nothing to do with him afterward-
No. Deep breaths, Valdez. ]
I… [ He avoids her gaze, suddenly wishing he had something to occupy his hands with, something to take his mind off of the nervous tingling dancing across his skin. ] I thought you should know what happened. In February.
[ She takes him to her favorite spot, secluded and tucked away just enough that she can see everyone but everyone can’t see her. It’s tempting to fill the walk with mindless chatter, throwing rapid speed ideas and wishes into the wind but every attempt locks up in her throat, discarded before they fully form.
Instead, she fiddles with her phone, flicking rapidly through a pattern of apps unable to settle on just one before moving to the next. You’d think tech at her fingertips would be enough of a distraction for the sheer amount of sudden nerves and yet, here she was, half a breath away from vibrating out of her skin. ]
Okay. If you’re sure.
[ It’s short and neutral but she’s had more than enough time to rage and cry and binge terrible anime. At this point, she’s run the gauntlet of crazy conspiracist theories (secretly an alien spy?!) to The Worst (he’s got an incurable disease and has three months to live) and at this point only wants to know the truth if only for her own nerves. ]
[ Well. It's now or never. He takes one more deep breath for good measure, and tries to give himself a good mental shake for motivation. ]
First of all, it... it wasn't your fault.
[ Leo remembers the hurt look on her face like it's been burned into his memory. Hurting both of them at once is something he won't be able to forget for a long time. ]
I- I know you think I didn't trust you, but... I promise you it had nothing to do with that.
[ "It's not you, it's me" sounds bad even to his own ears, but well. That's about as true as it gets. ]
[ She can't... be certain of what her expression is doing right now but it's most definitely closer to 'barely concealed disbelief' than anything else. It is, however, good to know that all the stupidity is purely on Leo's shoulders.]
So then what happened? I know it's nothing good but...
I... I remembered something - from that other life. [ He frowns at the ground, and decides to try again. ] A lot of somethings.
[ God, where does he even begin? ]
A while back, I... don't remember when, exactly, but I found out my - [ There's a pause, and Leo gives slight shake of his head. ] The Other Leo. His mom died at the shop she worked at. He was eight years old.
[ Which is already pretty shitty all on its own, but it's clear from Leo's tone of voice that that wasn't the problem. He's building up to something, and hating every second of it. ]
[ What does she say in the meantime? I'm sorry for your loss? That's really awful? Leo's mom is still here, in this new game plus they've got and all of it just feels empty to her ears. She's starting to get an idea of where this is going and her heart clenches both in fear and understanding. She doesn't have all her answers yet but if Leo does.... ]
[ Leo snorts derisively, even if some part of him is glad she didn't say "I'm sorry" or anything like that. ]
Something like that. My family didn't want anything to do with me afterwards.
[ That new piece of information, recently remembered, only serves to upset him further. His voice turns bitter, and he has to turn away from Futaba, rubbing anxiously at the back of his neck. That stupid tingle, a sign that his nerves are threatening to set him on fire again - it won't go away, and it's driving him crazy. The absolute last thing he wants, now of all times, is to go up in flames. Not when he's trying to explain everything.
...But maybe that's where he should start, Leo thinks. So when he looks back to her, his face is carefully neutral. ]
[ Futaba flinches minutely, a memory echoing in her subconsciousness. She knows Sojiro probably hadn't meant it the way she'd reacted but... She shakes off the thought, quietly grateful Leo isn't watching at the moment. ]
They're a bag of dicks.
[She says it with such intent too. He was eight. What assholes!!! Who does that??? ]
Well, they knew about it too. [ At least, he thinks they did. They had to have, right? ] And they always hated it, so when -
[ His voice catches in his throat. After a moment spent chewing on the inside of his cheek, Leo finds it again and continues. ] So when my mom died, they called me diablo. A demon. Because the night she died, the workshop she was at - it...
It caught fire.
[ And this is where it gets harder, and suddenly he's having trouble breathing. He fights the urge to run, run away from this conversation, away from the truth and the pain that it brings, away from the pain Leo could still bring to the people he loves.
That's not me, he tells himself again, clinging to Penelope's reassurance. That was some other life, and that isn't who he is anymore, if he ever really was that person at all. ]
She went in to go get something, and got locked inside. And- I don't know why, but... but I know it was me. I started the fire.
[ But not even Penelope's words can stop the prickling feeling in the corners of his eyes as he relives these memories. ]
[ All at once his words echo in her head. Murder! You killed her! This time she can’t help making a small sound, her hand coming to her head.
This… is not the type of bonding she’d ever thought she’d have with him.
It’s hard to shake off; she’s sure it shows in how suddenly pale she’s become. The echoes don't make it any easier to concentrate but this isn’t about the sudden confirmation of her memories. It's your fault- ]
I…
[ She doesn’t know how to explain she gets it. Not without having to explain her own memories. ]
[ Still looking away, he doesn't notice the change in Futaba immediately. So he simply nods, hands curled into fists at his sides. ]
Yeah. It's just...
[ He takes another deep breath to try to steady his voice. ]
I've never had full control over this power. I'm not sure he ever did either. I'd already killed someone with it, but I... I didn't want to hurt you, so I guess I just... figured keeping my distance would be better?
[ Though that still sounds bad, he thinks with a wince. ]
I was scared I'd hurt you, too, but if I stayed away from you, I wouldn't have the chance... F-Futaba?
[ Leo's chosen this moment to finally look up, and there's an obvious difference in her now. Before, it had only been awkward and uncomfortable, but now... Now he's wondering if this was actually the wrong thing to do. Is this because of him? Does she think he really will hurt her?
His first instinct is to go right to her side, and he even moves one step toward her before forcing himself to stop. With all that laid out before them, approaching Futaba - touching her - is probably a bad idea. So he settles for just... lifting his hands, concern written all over his face. ]
Futaba, I swear I don't want to hurt you. I-I get it if you don't want to be around me after this, I just thought you should know...
[ These memories hurt. Perhaps it’s because they’re echoes of something that actually affected her once-ago-life instead of told through another. Perhaps it’s because mom is here and decidedly not dead that it’s bothering her more than it would have. Perhaps it's just the emotions that come with it that make everything worst.
Either way, it’s incredibly obvious something isn’t quite right even though she’s determined to get through this first ]
You silly.
[ She reaches for him, because like hell would she turn down a hug even it was from her idiot of a boyfriend who’s too self sacrificing to realize it. ]
I wouldn’t leave over of something like that.
[ She smiles, and it barely forms before crumbling into dust ]
After all, it’d make me the biggest hypocrite in recolle.
[ …..Uh oh. Saying it out loud cracks the already fragile dams and she sniffs once, twice, before bursting into tears. ]
[ He could almost cry in relief just hearing her say that, but… something still isn’t right, and Leo doesn’t know what it is. When she reaches for him, he hesitates, but takes another step toward her, ready to say something else.
And then Futaba says that, and suddenly she’s crying. Leo draws back in alarm, wondering again if he’d done something wrong - he’s never been good at interpreting things like this - but Futaba needs… something, and god, he can’t stand to see her cry. And that’s the second time he’s made her do it. Why would she want to be around him after all of this?
But how he feels isn’t important right now. Whatever Futaba means, it doesn’t sound like that has anything to do with him, anyway, so he gives himself a good mental shake and goes to her side to touch her arm gently. He can’t bring himself to hug her yet, but this, he can do. ]
Futaba, [ he says softly, trying to catch her eye. ] Futaba, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make cry.
[ Leo wants to ask what she meant too, but… later. ]
[ She’s shaking her head immediately, her face screwed up in an odd mix frustration and absolute misery. ]
No it’s….
[ She has to say it now with her emotions deciding to speed up the entire process. But a small part of her fears it, not wanting to say it out loud. Because out loud means it’s real and it happened. Not here, not now, but once ago in a lifetime far, far away. ]
I remembered something just now… about the other me. That other life.
[ You killed her- ]
I… I think I killed my mom.
[ At least, as far as she remembers. It’s still too jumbled to know for sure but the blame… The blame feels real and thus as far as she’s concerned she’s as good as a murderer in her memories. ]
As a wave of guilt crashes over him, Leo squeezes his eyes shut as if to shut the thought out. This isn't what he wanted - this isn't how this was supposed to go-
God, maybe he shouldn't have said anything, after all. No one should have to live knowing this feeling. ]
No. You didn't. [ His voice is quiet, but steady once he takes a deep breath. ] That... That was another life. It wasn't us, remember?
[ It's what Pen told him, and what Leo has been telling himself ever since. No matter what life, he can't believe he would hurt his own mother. It's what's kept him going since he remembered.
So he kneels to meet Futaba's eyes, offering her a shaky smile. ]
We have our own lives, right? And our moms are both okay.
[ She sniffs hard, once, twice scrubbing at her still leaking face ]
.....Yeah.
[ It's only the sudden overwhelming feeling of old memories pressing down on her, not her current state of being. She knows this, knows that cognition defines her reality and yet... and yet it still feels like mom won't be there when she goes home. Which is silly. Just because mom isn't on the network doesn't mean she's going to vanish into smoke out of the blue.
...Though if she gives mom an extra tight hug tonight no one would blame her, right? ]
This is our second chance and all, right?
[ ..........Actually, speaking of second chances. ]
[ Leo can imagine what she's going through, after all those nightmare's he'd had of the workshop fire. He’d been afraid to go home since the revelation that he’d started the fire hit him out in the woods in February. That’s… part of the reason why he’d stayed, instead of going home for a break like everyone else.
That fear had never fully gone away. Sometimes he still wakes up unsure if she’s still there, but. Futaba doesn’t need to know that. So instead of saying so, because Leo has never been good with talking about those things anyway, he nods again and keeps smiling up at her. ]
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no subject
Date: 2018-05-10 06:51 pm (UTC)Yeah. Outside?
no subject
Date: 2018-05-10 09:24 pm (UTC)[ Leo lets her take the lead - that way, he knows she’ll be as comfortable as their… situation?? will allow her to be. And he trusts that wherever she chooses, he’ll be more comfortable there, too. They were always on the same wavelength before, after all.
The walk there, however, is spent in awkward silence, with Leo fidgeting the whole way as he tries to think of a way to start this conversation. He’s gone over it so many times in his head already, but now that they’re finally here, he can’t remember any of it. Every word, every lead in, every possible way he’d thought of that could make it sound slightly less horrible is all gone, poof, just like that.
All too soon, he realizes the sounds of the other students have faded, and Futaba’s probably waiting for him to actually say something. So, okay. He can do this. Even if she’ll probably want nothing to do with him afterward-
No. Deep breaths, Valdez. ]
I… [ He avoids her gaze, suddenly wishing he had something to occupy his hands with, something to take his mind off of the nervous tingling dancing across his skin. ] I thought you should know what happened. In February.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-11 11:09 pm (UTC)Instead, she fiddles with her phone, flicking rapidly through a pattern of apps unable to settle on just one before moving to the next. You’d think tech at her fingertips would be enough of a distraction for the sheer amount of sudden nerves and yet, here she was, half a breath away from vibrating out of her skin. ]
Okay. If you’re sure.
[ It’s short and neutral but she’s had more than enough time to rage and cry and binge terrible anime. At this point, she’s run the gauntlet of crazy conspiracist theories (secretly an alien spy?!) to The Worst (he’s got an incurable disease and has three months to live) and at this point only wants to know the truth if only for her own nerves. ]
no subject
Date: 2018-05-11 11:17 pm (UTC)First of all, it... it wasn't your fault.
[ Leo remembers the hurt look on her face like it's been burned into his memory. Hurting both of them at once is something he won't be able to forget for a long time. ]
I- I know you think I didn't trust you, but... I promise you it had nothing to do with that.
[ "It's not you, it's me" sounds bad even to his own ears, but well. That's about as true as it gets. ]
no subject
Date: 2018-05-11 11:29 pm (UTC)So then what happened? I know it's nothing good but...
[ It can't be as bad as mine tried to imply ]
no subject
Date: 2018-05-11 11:38 pm (UTC)[ God, where does he even begin? ]
A while back, I... don't remember when, exactly, but I found out my - [ There's a pause, and Leo gives slight shake of his head. ] The Other Leo. His mom died at the shop she worked at. He was eight years old.
[ Which is already pretty shitty all on its own, but it's clear from Leo's tone of voice that that wasn't the problem. He's building up to something, and hating every second of it. ]
no subject
Date: 2018-05-11 11:52 pm (UTC)[ What does she say in the meantime? I'm sorry for your loss? That's really awful? Leo's mom is still here, in this new game plus they've got and all of it just feels empty to her ears. She's starting to get an idea of where this is going and her heart clenches both in fear and understanding. She doesn't have all her answers yet but if Leo does.... ]
That must have been awful.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-12 12:06 am (UTC)Something like that. My family didn't want anything to do with me afterwards.
[ That new piece of information, recently remembered, only serves to upset him further. His voice turns bitter, and he has to turn away from Futaba, rubbing anxiously at the back of his neck. That stupid tingle, a sign that his nerves are threatening to set him on fire again - it won't go away, and it's driving him crazy. The absolute last thing he wants, now of all times, is to go up in flames. Not when he's trying to explain everything.
...But maybe that's where he should start, Leo thinks. So when he looks back to her, his face is carefully neutral. ]
You know how I have this power, right? The fire?
no subject
Date: 2018-05-12 12:28 am (UTC)They're a bag of dicks.
[She says it with such intent too. He was eight. What assholes!!! Who does that??? ]
But yeah- [ oh. OH. ...........oh. ]
no subject
Date: 2018-05-12 12:47 am (UTC)[ His voice catches in his throat. After a moment spent chewing on the inside of his cheek, Leo finds it again and continues. ] So when my mom died, they called me diablo. A demon. Because the night she died, the workshop she was at - it...
It caught fire.
[ And this is where it gets harder, and suddenly he's having trouble breathing. He fights the urge to run, run away from this conversation, away from the truth and the pain that it brings, away from the pain Leo could still bring to the people he loves.
That's not me, he tells himself again, clinging to Penelope's reassurance. That was some other life, and that isn't who he is anymore, if he ever really was that person at all. ]
She went in to go get something, and got locked inside. And- I don't know why, but... but I know it was me. I started the fire.
[ But not even Penelope's words can stop the prickling feeling in the corners of his eyes as he relives these memories. ]
It was my fault. I killed her.
no subject
Date: 2018-05-14 01:40 am (UTC)This… is not the type of bonding she’d ever thought she’d have with him.
It’s hard to shake off; she’s sure it shows in how suddenly pale she’s become. The echoes don't make it any easier to concentrate but this isn’t about the sudden confirmation of her memories. It's your fault- ]
I…
[ She doesn’t know how to explain she gets it. Not without having to explain her own memories. ]
Is this why…?
no subject
Date: 2018-05-14 02:01 am (UTC)Yeah. It's just...
[ He takes another deep breath to try to steady his voice. ]
I've never had full control over this power. I'm not sure he ever did either. I'd already killed someone with it, but I... I didn't want to hurt you, so I guess I just... figured keeping my distance would be better?
[ Though that still sounds bad, he thinks with a wince. ]
I was scared I'd hurt you, too, but if I stayed away from you, I wouldn't have the chance... F-Futaba?
[ Leo's chosen this moment to finally look up, and there's an obvious difference in her now. Before, it had only been awkward and uncomfortable, but now... Now he's wondering if this was actually the wrong thing to do. Is this because of him? Does she think he really will hurt her?
His first instinct is to go right to her side, and he even moves one step toward her before forcing himself to stop. With all that laid out before them, approaching Futaba - touching her - is probably a bad idea. So he settles for just... lifting his hands, concern written all over his face. ]
Futaba, I swear I don't want to hurt you. I-I get it if you don't want to be around me after this, I just thought you should know...
no subject
Date: 2018-05-14 02:54 am (UTC)Either way, it’s incredibly obvious something isn’t quite right even though she’s determined to get through this first ]
You silly.
[ She reaches for him, because like hell would she turn down a hug even it was from her idiot of a boyfriend who’s too self sacrificing to realize it. ]
I wouldn’t leave over of something like that.
[ She smiles, and it barely forms before crumbling into dust ]
After all, it’d make me the biggest hypocrite in recolle.
[ …..Uh oh. Saying it out loud cracks the already fragile dams and she sniffs once, twice, before bursting into tears. ]
no subject
Date: 2018-05-14 12:58 pm (UTC)And then Futaba says that, and suddenly she’s crying. Leo draws back in alarm, wondering again if he’d done something wrong - he’s never been good at interpreting things like this - but Futaba needs… something, and god, he can’t stand to see her cry. And that’s the second time he’s made her do it. Why would she want to be around him after all of this?
But how he feels isn’t important right now. Whatever Futaba means, it doesn’t sound like that has anything to do with him, anyway, so he gives himself a good mental shake and goes to her side to touch her arm gently. He can’t bring himself to hug her yet, but this, he can do. ]
Futaba, [ he says softly, trying to catch her eye. ] Futaba, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make cry.
[ Leo wants to ask what she meant too, but… later. ]
no subject
Date: 2018-05-18 07:17 am (UTC)No it’s….
[ She has to say it now with her emotions deciding to speed up the entire process. But a small part of her fears it, not wanting to say it out loud. Because out loud means it’s real and it happened. Not here, not now, but once ago in a lifetime far, far away. ]
I remembered something just now… about the other me. That other life.
[ You killed her- ]
I… I think I killed my mom.
[ At least, as far as she remembers. It’s still too jumbled to know for sure but the blame… The blame feels real and thus as far as she’s concerned she’s as good as a murderer in her memories. ]
no subject
Date: 2018-05-18 04:44 pm (UTC)As a wave of guilt crashes over him, Leo squeezes his eyes shut as if to shut the thought out. This isn't what he wanted - this isn't how this was supposed to go-
God, maybe he shouldn't have said anything, after all. No one should have to live knowing this feeling. ]
No. You didn't. [ His voice is quiet, but steady once he takes a deep breath. ] That... That was another life. It wasn't us, remember?
[ It's what Pen told him, and what Leo has been telling himself ever since. No matter what life, he can't believe he would hurt his own mother. It's what's kept him going since he remembered.
So he kneels to meet Futaba's eyes, offering her a shaky smile. ]
We have our own lives, right? And our moms are both okay.
[ three months later ..... ] LEO, YOU JINXED IT
Date: 2018-07-30 12:22 am (UTC).....Yeah.
[ It's only the sudden overwhelming feeling of old memories pressing down on her, not her current state of being. She knows this, knows that cognition defines her reality and yet... and yet it still feels like mom won't be there when she goes home. Which is silly. Just because mom isn't on the network doesn't mean she's going to vanish into smoke out of the blue.
...Though if she gives mom an extra tight hug tonight no one would blame her, right? ]
This is our second chance and all, right?
[ ..........Actually, speaking of second chances. ]
.....Ah.
no subject
Date: 2018-07-30 05:49 pm (UTC)That fear had never fully gone away. Sometimes he still wakes up unsure if she’s still there, but. Futaba doesn’t need to know that. So instead of saying so, because Leo has never been good with talking about those things anyway, he nods again and keeps smiling up at her. ]
Yeah, exactly. And we can do it right this time.